The Event and the Story Aren’t the Same Thing
We hear some version of this all the time:
You create your own reality.
Depending on who says it, that can sound empowering, overly simplistic, or even frustrating.
Because there are things that happen in our lives that we absolutely did not ask for.
People hurt us. We experience loss. We get rejected. Families fail us. Relationships end. Opportunities disappear. Things happen that are outside of our control.
So when I say that we create our own reality, I’m not saying that you created everything that has ever happened to you.
I’m talking about something different.
I’m talking about the stories we create about what happened.
And sometimes those stories continue shaping our lives long after the original experience is over.
Watch the Video
This article is based on my Aldren Sanctuary teaching, The Story Becomes Your Reality.
Watch the full video here:
In the video, I explore how an experience can become a meaning, how that meaning can become a story, and how that story can eventually begin influencing the life we create.
The Event and the Story Aren’t the Same Thing
Imagine you’re a kid in first grade.
Your school is putting on a play, and you desperately want to play Frosty the Snowman.
You try out.
Timmy gets the part.
That’s the event.
But that may not be where it ends.
You might go home and start creating a story about what happened:
I’m not good enough.
I’m not talented.
Nobody wants me.
Why bother trying again?
The event itself may have lasted a few minutes.
The meaning you gave it could last decades.
Maybe you love theater. Maybe you love performing. Maybe there’s still a part of you that wants to get on a stage.
But every time an opportunity appears, that old story is there:
Don’t try.
You’re not good enough.
Remember what happened last time?
At some point, the event isn’t making the decision anymore.
The story is.
When a Story Becomes an Identity
This can go much deeper than not getting a part in a school play.
Imagine growing up with a mother who wasn’t able to give you the love, attention, or emotional support you needed.
As an adult, you might eventually understand that there were reasons for it.
Maybe she never received that kind of love herself.
Maybe she didn’t know how to express it.
Maybe she was struggling with things you couldn’t possibly understand as a child.
But a child usually doesn’t analyze the emotional history of their parents.
A child experiences what happens and tries to make sense of it.
And sometimes the conclusion becomes:
I’m not worthy of love.
There’s an enormous difference between:
My mother wasn’t able to love me in the way I needed.
And:
I am not worthy of love.
One describes an experience.
The other describes an identity.
And once something becomes part of our identity, we can start carrying it everywhere.
Into relationships.
Into friendships.
Into work.
Into opportunities.
Into our boundaries.
Into what we believe we deserve.
Eventually, we may not even recognize it as a story anymore.
It simply feels like reality.
Even Positive Experiences Can Create Limiting Stories
We usually think painful experiences are the ones that create limiting beliefs.
But positive experiences can create rigid identities too.
Let’s go back to Timmy.
Maybe Timmy gets the lead in the first-grade play.
Then he gets another lead.
And another.
People keep telling him how talented he is.
Eventually, he might create his own story:
I’m the best.
I always win.
I don’t get rejected.
I’m better than everyone else.
That story may feel great—until Timmy finally doesn’t get the part.
Now what?
If his identity depends on always winning, one rejection can shake his entire sense of who he is.
The problem wasn’t that Timmy succeeded.
The problem was turning those experiences into a fixed identity.
We can do this with failure and success.
With relationships.
With money.
With our bodies.
With our careers.
With things people said to us twenty years ago.
Something happens.
Then we decide what it says about us.
Ask Yourself: What Did I Make It Mean?
This is one of the most useful questions I’ve found when looking at an old pattern:
What did I make it mean?
Notice that this is different from asking:
What happened?
Maybe someone left you.
That’s what happened.
But what did you make their leaving mean?
That everyone leaves?
That you’re unlovable?
That you can’t trust anyone?
That getting close to someone is dangerous?
Maybe you failed at something.
Did you make that failure mean you needed more practice?
Or did you make it mean you were a failure?
Maybe someone criticized you.
Did their opinion show you something you could work on?
Or did it become evidence that you were never good enough?
We can’t always change what happened.
But we can begin examining the meaning we’ve been carrying because of it.
Where Is the Story Still Making Decisions for You?
Once you identify the story, look at your life.
Where else is it showing up?
If somewhere along the way you decided you weren’t good enough, where has that belief influenced your choices?
Maybe there are jobs you never applied for.
Relationships where you accepted less than you wanted.
Conversations you avoided.
Things you wanted to learn but never attempted.
Opportunities you talked yourself out of before anyone else had the chance to tell you no.
Sometimes we say we want something different while continuing to make decisions from the same old story.
That’s where personal responsibility becomes important.
Not blame.
Responsibility.
There’s a difference.
Blame says:
This is all your fault.
Responsibility asks:
What can I do from here?
That question gives us somewhere to go.
Changing the Story Requires More Than Positive Thinking
Changing your story doesn’t mean pretending everything is wonderful.
It doesn’t mean ignoring what happened.
And it doesn’t mean wishing hard enough until the universe magically rearranges itself.
Sometimes changing your reality requires action.
If you’ve always wanted to sing, maybe you take voice lessons.
If you want a different career, maybe you need training.
If you want healthier relationships, maybe you need to look honestly at your patterns and boundaries.
If you want something you’ve never had before, you may need to do something you’ve never done before.
So instead of only asking whether something is possible, ask:
What is it going to take?
What time am I willing to invest?
What energy?
What resources?
What do I need to learn?
What conversations do I need to have?
And perhaps most importantly:
What old story am I going to have to stop treating as truth?
You May Have More Choice Than You Realize
There are things in life we cannot control.
Other people have their own choices.
Loss happens.
Circumstances are real.
Our bodies can have real limitations.
Spirituality shouldn’t require us to pretend otherwise.
But within those realities, there may still be far more choice available to us than we realize.
Sometimes the thing keeping us from taking the next step isn’t what’s happening today.
It’s a conclusion we reached years ago.
I’m not good enough.
I’m not worthy.
I can’t do that.
People like me don’t get to have that.
That’s just who I am.
But what if that isn’t who you are?
What if it’s a story?
And if it’s a story, you can begin examining it.
Where did it come from?
What happened?
What did you make it mean?
Where has that meaning influenced your choices?
And do you still want to build your life around it?
You Don’t Have to Rewrite the Past to Change What Comes Next
You may not be able to rewrite what happened.
That isn’t the point.
The opportunity is to recognize that what happened and what you decided it meant about you are not necessarily the same thing.
That distinction matters.
Because once you can see the story, you have a choice about whether you continue living from it.
Maybe creating a different reality doesn’t begin with controlling the universe.
Maybe it begins with becoming aware of the stories that have been controlling you.
So the next time you find yourself saying:
I’m not good enough.
I’m not worthy.
I can’t.
That’s just who I am.
Ask yourself one question:
What did I make it mean?
The answer might show you where the story began.
And from there, you can begin choosing what happens next.
Awaken. Release. Reclaim. Live.
Aldren SanctuaryWisdom Returned.
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